Men Women Jokes

Men Women Jokes

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.



Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more". They made a date on the river bank they used to go when they were young. The next day, grandpa got up 7 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset. Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:

"Why didn't you come to our date?!!"
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly:
"Mom didn't allow me to go...

A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

An Old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his
grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you
listen to me. I wanna you to take my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"
"You listen me. Some day you gonna be run da
business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots of
money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
"Some day you gonna come home and maybe find you
wife in a bed with another man. "What you gonna do
then... point to your watch and say, Times Up?"

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee
each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our
coffee." The
husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should
do
it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife
replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man
should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show
me." So
she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the
top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS".

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied,
"The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Don't marry AIRTEL woman, they say TOUCH TOMORROW.
Don't marry BSNL woman they have CONNECTIONS ALL OVER INDIA
Don't marry HUTCH woman where ever u go THEIR NETWORK follows.
Don't marry IDEA woman, an IDEA CAN CHANGE your life
So marry RELIANCE woman because BUY ONE, GET ANOTHER FREE

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from
Singapore to New York. The son (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby
cats,why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty
flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If
dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby
planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on
time.
Now, let your mother explain that to you."!!!

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.
The doctor thought for a moment,then said, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is an hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But,one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek,and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.
BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion."
"Exactly"... Said the Doc.

Wife and Husband are like two tyres of a vehicle.
If any one punctures vehicle cannot move further.
So intelligent men always carry a stepney with them.

Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend cool ..........
1.You can stare at any Girl.......
2.You don't have to spend money on her.
3.You won't get boring result in ur board papers.
4.No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.
5.If u don't have a girlfriend ,she can't dump u.
6.Having a girlfriend is hot,not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.
7.This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.
8.You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.
9.girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.
10.You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
11.You won't have to waste paper writing love letters No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop\place.
12.You can have more boy friends(Friends who r Boys) , as u will have more time for them.
13.You wont have to see boring love stories instead of action thrillers.
14.You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.
15.You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.
16.You wont have to fight over having a 'special'friend with ur folks.
17.No nonstop nonsense.
18.You wont have drown in the pool of her tears!!!.
19.No tension.
20.You can be " URSELF "
21.You wont have to hide the telephone bills.

Husband & Wife - Problem Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife
doesn't know about it yet."
Husband & Wife - Why ?

Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
Why, Dad ?
Why,me?
Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor.
"You're still getting the same service!"
Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out:
"Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him ?"
asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

Wife asks her husband "after my death what u will do"?
Husband replies "even i will die my dear".
Wife says "y r u talking like that?".
Husband says "My happiness will kill me".

Never love a Testing girl since she always doubts U.
Never love a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.
Never love a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.
Never love a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.
Never love a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.
Never Love a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.
Never love a UNIX girl ,she always dump u with a core.
Never love a PASCAL girl ,she always scolds u as rascal.
Never love a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.
Never love a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles.
Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,
he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a Boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said,
"Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied,
"Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

To make a woman happy ..... A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget: * Birthdays * Anniversaries * Arrangements she makes &
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Leave him alone

HER DIARY:Day night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:Today India lost the cricket match against Bangladesh. DAMN IT.

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" he man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"The man replied "Join the queue."

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.The woodcutter replied, "Yes."The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mallika Sherawat. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked."Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mallika Sherawat, You would have come up with Bipasha Basu. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mallika Sherawat."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!"

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