Political Jokes
Two KGB officers are traveling on a train and telling each other political jokes.
- Hold on a second, I'll change the tape, - says one.
- Don't bother, you can copy from mine later, - says the other.
The president […] is walking through a forest and gets lost.
He sees a boy:
- Little boy, could you show me the way out of the forest? I'm the president, I'll reward you with a Hero's medal!
- I'll ask my mama.
An hour later:
- Uncle President, and will you give me a postmortem award?
- Why postmortem?
- Because mama said that if I showed you the way, she'd kill me!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Men Women Jokes
Men Women Jokes
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
Police Jokes
Police Jokes
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."The new man asked, "What happened?""One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife."You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.""Oh yes dear, what happened ?""I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.""Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?""Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks."I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."Amazed, the driver asked for what.The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."The new man asked, "What happened?""One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife."You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.""Oh yes dear, what happened ?""I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.""Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?""Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks."I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."Amazed, the driver asked for what.The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Heaven Hell Jokes
Heaven Hell Jokes
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?”He was told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on and checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more countries... He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell...Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, What do they do here?"He was told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour..Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes and beats you for the rest of the day.""But that is exactly the same as all the other hells---so why are so many people waiting to get in here?" asked the man.Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the Indian devil is a former Govt. servant, so he comes in and signs the register and then goes to the canteen!
Owing to the increasing number of prayers and requests to GOD...HE has started a new call centre...
called HEAVENLY PARADISE..
magine what would happen if GOD installed Voice Mail in Heaven
When you pray, you'd get this response:
"Hi ,Thank you for calling Heaven. If you want to speak toLord Ganesha - Press 1
Lord Shiva - Press 2
Lord Krishna - Press 3 ( Sorry, he is Busy with " Gopiyan " )
For a Directory of other Gods / Goddess - Press 4
For Further Assistance from Menka / Pari / Angels Press 9 .
You press 1 and get connected to Ganeshji and hear the following
message:
If you want to make a request - Press 5
For complaints / Grievances - Press 6 ( Seldom works )
For thanks giving - Press 7
For any thing else - please press 8 and wait for the Customer Support Angel to talk to you
If you would like to hear Naradji singing Bhajan while you are
holding ! Press *
After a few minutes comes the following message: " Our records show
that you have already prayed once today .
Please try again tomorrow . Meanwhile , if you require any emergency
assistance, please contact our offshore Customer Support Executive
A small story about Great place to work.
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said," Lord,I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?”He was told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on and checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more countries... He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell...Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, What do they do here?"He was told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour..Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes and beats you for the rest of the day.""But that is exactly the same as all the other hells---so why are so many people waiting to get in here?" asked the man.Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the Indian devil is a former Govt. servant, so he comes in and signs the register and then goes to the canteen!
Owing to the increasing number of prayers and requests to GOD...HE has started a new call centre...
called HEAVENLY PARADISE..
magine what would happen if GOD installed Voice Mail in Heaven
When you pray, you'd get this response:
"Hi ,Thank you for calling Heaven. If you want to speak toLord Ganesha - Press 1
Lord Shiva - Press 2
Lord Krishna - Press 3 ( Sorry, he is Busy with " Gopiyan " )
For a Directory of other Gods / Goddess - Press 4
For Further Assistance from Menka / Pari / Angels Press 9 .
You press 1 and get connected to Ganeshji and hear the following
message:
If you want to make a request - Press 5
For complaints / Grievances - Press 6 ( Seldom works )
For thanks giving - Press 7
For any thing else - please press 8 and wait for the Customer Support Angel to talk to you
If you would like to hear Naradji singing Bhajan while you are
holding ! Press *
After a few minutes comes the following message: " Our records show
that you have already prayed once today .
Please try again tomorrow . Meanwhile , if you require any emergency
assistance, please contact our offshore Customer Support Executive
A small story about Great place to work.
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said," Lord,I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.
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